KMLA was my goal when I was at middle school. Since I was 7th
grade, I grew up my desire to go to KMLA and I was full of hope that I can go
into the school. That desire and hope drove me to work and study hard. I
prepared myself by attending one academy—a very family-like academy—and it is
not an exaggeration that all memories of my middle school life came from there.
The photo was taken by me at the academy right before the interview of
KMLA. That day was the final day of attending the academy. All students
including me were very sad since we felt all people at the academy as family
members. We spent about 3 years together for one goal—KMLA, however, during the
process of preparing for that goal, we got much more important things—memories.
As time passed, all students including me could feel that our last day
was not far away. We should prepare both applying for KMLA, and sad farewell.
Although there were many stresses of studying, writing essays and doing
homework, we endured by standing each other, and playing with each other. All
those memories piled up and that took a great portion of our lives. The pile of
memory was not negligible.
Moreover, we didn’t know who will get passed to KMLA and accomplish
their goals. The atmosphere of uncertainty surrounded us and everyone was a bit
anxious. Even though everyone prepared hard, anyone could certainly declare
that who will get passed. In the atmosphere of that desperate feeling, we were
facing the last day.
Thus, farewell was an unwelcome guest to all of us. We decided to make
last memory. We started to write our name on the blackboard. Everyone wanted to
see each other at KMLA again, but it was unrealistic. We should have said bye-bye
to each other. After we wrote our names, we took the photo and that photo is
appeared above. Unforgettable memory had been made.
I chose that photo since it took great portion of my memories. When I
see the photo again and again, I can remember all the things that I’ve done in
the academy with friends, and when I remember every single event, I smiled
automatically. The event that we wrote our names on the blackboard itself was
also very meaningful and creative.
Now, it is 2 years from when the photo has been taken. Some names can be
seen in KMLA and some are not. However, what really important is not the fact
that merely I’m in the KMLA right now, but the memory and photo will last
forever in my deep mind.
Obviously not at KMLA, and perhaps it involves goodbyes? Did you take this? Spend some time descrbing the moments and little things that made this photo possible to exist. It may not look that impressive to most people, so make sure you deliver the personal connection you have.
답글삭제Interesting.
Ooh, I remember this picture! You still had this, to this day? I guess this is a really nice one to look back to those moments... when we were so full of uncertainty... We were desperate to get in KMLA, and it all seems so silly right now that I am already in here. Good luck on your essay! I'll look forward to it.
답글삭제Grammatical Stuff:
답글삭제KMLA was my goal when I was IN (DELETE at) middle school. EVER since I was IN THE 7th grade, (DELETE I grew up) my desire to go to KMLA INCREASED and I was full of hope that I COULD GET INTO (DELETE can go into) the school. That desire and hope drove me to work and study hard. I prepared myself by attending one VERY FAMILY-LIKE academy (MOVED/DELETE —a very family-like academy—), and it is not an exaggeration TO SAY that all THE BEST memories of my middle school life came from there.
The photo was taken by me at the academy ON THE FINAL DAY OF ATTENDANCE right before the interview of KMLA. (DELETE/COMBINED That day was the final day of attending the academy.) All students(,) including me(,) were very sad since we ALL felt LIKE FAMILY (DELETE/REWORD all people at the academy as family members). We spent about 3 years together SHARING THE SAME GOAL - TO ENTER KMLA. (DELTE for one goal—KMLA, however,) HOWEVER, during the process of preparing for that goal, we EARNED SOMETHING EVER MORE IMPORTANT: MEMORIES. (DELETE/REWORD got much more important things—memories).
As time passed, WE (DELETE all students including me) could feel that our last day was not far away, AND we should prepare FOR A SAD FARWELL, AS WELL AS THE APPLICATION (DELETE both applying for KMLA, and sad farewell). Although there were many stresses of studying, writing essays and doing homework, we endured by standing BY each other, and KEEPING OUR SPIRITS UP (DELETE playing with each other). All those memories piled up and (DELETE that) took a great portion of our lives. The pile of memory was not negligible.
Moreover, we didn’t know who WOULD (DELETE will) get INTO (DELETE passed to) KMLA and accomplish their goals. The atmosphere of uncertainty surrounded us and everyone was a bit anxious. Even though everyone prepared hard, IT WAS ANYONE'S GUESS WHO WOULD BE ACCEPTED (DELETE anyone could certainly declare that who will get passed). In the atmosphere of that desperate feeling, we were facing the last day.
Thus, SAYING farewell was an unwelcome TASK FOR (DELETE guest to) all of us. We decided to make ONE last memory. We started to write our NAMES (DELETE name) on the blackboard. Everyone wanted to see each other at KMLA again, but it was unrealistic. ONLY SOME OF US WOULD SUCCEED, SO We should have said bye-bye to each other. After we wrote our names, we took the photo(,) and that photo APPEARS (DELETE is appeared) above. AN unforgettable memory had been made.
I chose that photo since it REPRESENTS A (DELETE took) great portion of my memories. When I see the photo again and again, I can remember all the things that I’ve done in the academy with friends, and when I remember every single event, I SMILE (DELETE smiled) automatically. The event WHERE (DELETE that) we wrote our names on the blackboard itself was also very meaningful and creative.
Now, it is 2 years from when the photo WAS (DELETE has been) taken. Some names can be seen in KMLA and some CAN (DELETE are) not. However, what IS really important is not the MERE fact that (DELETE merely) I’m in (DELETE the) KMLA right now, but the FACT THAT I HAVE THESE WONDERFUL MEMORIES (DELETE memory) and A photo THAT will last forever in my deep mind.
Good stuff. You respond to the essay prompt well, and structure your essay nicely. Good intro and conclusion. There is some awkward grammar, however; so do spend some time to tidy up the things I indicate above.
답글삭제In terms of content, you are currently at 447 words, and it does feel like you need to inject some sort of actual "story" into the photo. You are a bit vague about specifying the unique details about this academy and the people there. Who are the teachers that influenced you? You say it was a "family-like" environment but you don't spend enough time emphasizing that. There are no names mentioned or specific examples that convince the reader that special things happened here. The essay is "good" but a bit distant and repetitive. Try to become more intimate with the 5 W's and bring your reader directly to this place.
The middle paragraphs emphasize similar things a bit too much - anxiety, unspecified memories, and the task of saying a goodbye. Decorate these with real details and convince your readers. What's the name of the academy? How did the teachers prepare students for potential disappointment? Can you tell us about one particular memory that was meaningful rather than being general? Show your reader it was meaningful instead of telling them it was meaningful. Generally, you are a writer who should start to challenge himself more, by moving forward and adding more color and detail. You tend to dwell and repeat instead of moving forward to a new and fresh example.
Good, but needs another draft with specific anecdotes. Too short and too scant on detail.